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Some
Guidelines for Relationship Problems
By Greg Quinn
December 27th, 2010
I
recently received an email, as I often do, requesting prayer for one of our
Gunblast.com readers. This reader
was experiencing some profound financial problems, but on top of that, he had
explained to me in his email that his wife of more than 20 years had left him
and wasn’t willing to forgive him. He
asked for my help. In offering this
assistance, I recognized that many others may experience the same problems right
now. While the economy is hurting
many, there are things beyond the economy that need our prayers.
And, that’s relationships, especially those between a husband and wife.
Satan would love nothing more than to destroy your family. Therefore,
I’m sharing the information outlined in my email reply to this reader in hopes
that it will resonate with others as well.
Dear
Sir
I
read your email, and have prayed for you and will continue to do so. The
current state of our nation’s economy is wrecking many lives. Financial
problems create a tremendous pressure on a marriage. I know a great many
people who suffer from the same byproduct. Of course we all know that a
strong marriage resists even financial pressures, but these problems complicate
even the most stable relationships.
Forgiveness is important, and a mandate from God. Jesus himself spoke
often of forgiveness. To paraphrase his words to his followers in Mark
11:25-26, Jesus was saying that if you don’t forgive others, then God will
not forgive you. I recently wrote an article on forgiveness,
spurred to do so by the Holy Spirit. So, forgiveness is very important.
But, don’t use God’s words regarding forgiveness to beat your wife
over the head because of her lack of forgiveness. I am assuming that the
problems in your relationship have built up over many years, and while the
recent financial problems certainly create great strain, perhaps this was the
proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. It seems, brother, that
you need to mend the camel’s back. And, since it most likely took some
time to break your marriage, it may take some time to heal it again.
If your wife still loves you, and as women are emotional creatures it takes a
whole lot to totally destroy this love, then there are some things that you must
to do win her back. Yes, you will notice that I said “that you must
do”. Forget your wife’s lack of forgiveness for now; God will deal
with her on that. But first, you must change the behaviors that have led
her to leave you and that will make her want to come back.
I have some suggestions. These are obviously general as I do not know your
specific situation. But, these will apply in most circumstances.
1. Pray. You
asked for my prayers and those of our readers, and that took a humility that is
often hard to develop, and I commend you for that. Reaching out to other
Christians is important. But, remember that the most important thing you
can do right now is to pray to God for His help. And, pray specifically
that He will show you the error of your ways where God can help you change you.
Don’t worry about God changing your wife. Pray that God changes you.
2. Be patient. Just as
your marriage didn’t fall apart overnight, it will not be healed overnight.
It may take some time. Be patient. It may take some time for
God to change you, and it may take some time for your wife to see these changes
in you. And, your wife may want to know that these changes are permanent,
not just temporary, before she comes back to you.
3. Seek Godly counsel. If
you go to church, then set an appointment to seek counsel with your Pastor.
If you can get your wife to go with you, that would be even better. Come
clean with your Pastor about the problems, and if your wife is there also,
don’t belittle her feelings as to what caused the problems. You are
wanting to restore your relationship, and to do so, seek the counsel of Godly
men that can help you move in the direction you need to move in order to see a
change in your relationship. Now, if you do not go to church, then you
have another problem. Get in church and get connected with a local body of
believers who can help you and your wife through your challenges. And
remember, it is very unlikely that you are going through anything that others
haven’t already been through, and there’s a good chance that some other
couple in your church may have experienced similar challenges and may have some
Godly wisdom to share with you as to how they got through it.
4. Read. Read the Bible,
and listen to God to speak to you through the Bible. But also, read some books
to help you change you in order to change your marriage. There are some
very good books out there. Relationship
Rescue by Dr. Phil McGraw is a good one. His
Needs-Her Needs by Willard Harley is another. The
Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is another. There are many
others, but start with these three. You need to both change you where she
will want to be with you again, and you need to better understand her needs to
prevent these kind of problems from occurring again.
5. Take action. Many
people sit in church and hear the same message over and over again but then do
nothing with the information they hear. Many people read their Bible
but do not “do” what the Bible says. Many people read books that
contain some good “fixes” for many of the problems they are facing, but then
do not exercise the solutions to make them work within their situation. Many
people pray but then do not follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit given to them
through prayer. In order for changes to take place, you must take action.
I hope these suggestions help you. It is my prayer that God not only helps
you in your finances, but more importantly in your walk with Jesus through this
process, and in healing the relationship between you and your spouse.
It is with love that I write these things. I do not know you, but you
asked humbly for my help. It is my prayer that God uses this answer to
your request to get you on the right path. But the work is up to you.
Please do keep me appraised of the progress.
Greg Quinn
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